as the knights of the round table sip upon wine...

ha! i know that title will make no sense to anyone but me, but i think i'm pretty darn clever. sorry, inside joke, and when i say inside, i mean, inside my own head. therefore, if you don't get the joke, no worries, no one else does either.

well, to start off i wanted to discuss a gentelman i would like to now call arthur. when i used to blog on myspace, i originally named this particular guy kermit. i have since become dissatisfied with that moniker and have to decided to rename him. why? well, kermit, for some silly reason felt stupid. although, now that i think about it, the image of miss piggy chasing kermit around desperately trying to win his affection does somewhat sadly reflect my emotional response to this guy. come to think of it, i think i will stick with kermit, or kermey depending on my mood.

now that that has been resolved, let's get down to it. for those that do not know, kermey is that crush that i really haven't ever gotten over. to this day i still wonder and hope and even pray at times that our paths will cross again and sparks will fly and we will ride off into the sunset. he's my muse. he's a singer/songwriter and his art always inspires me. while i have written some songs about him and what has or has not transpired between us, some songs i have written have been inspired by his songs. this past monday night though i started a new song about him and i finished it on tuesday. i haven't decided whether to rewrite it or not. i kinda like the current incarnation but i may return to it in a few months and absolutely loathe some parts. we'll see. i'll post the song at the end of this blog when i'm done.

i wish i knew what kermey's current status is. i did see a very recent picture and i carefully looked at his "third finger, left hand" and there wasn't anything there. of course that doesn't mean anything necessarily but there is a small glimmer of hope. i guess i'll just have to wait it out. hopefully someone i'm close to will reconnect with him and then they'll be able to fill me in on the 411. i should probably just let the whole thing go, i deserve better, but until a better distraction finds it's way into my life, i will constantly find my way back to the old ones. it's life.

now, i would like to discuss the guy i am going to call gilbert. gilbert and i are kindred spirits in many ways. BUT, gilbert & i are not remotely attracted to each other in any sort of romantic/physical/sexual way at all.

there's nothing wrong with gilbert. he's actually attractive to many girls and he's an amazing person, very Godly, spirit-led and mature for his age. but us "hooking up" would be the grossest thing ever on the planet. now, i know what you may be thinking, "me thinketh she doth protesteth too much." and, a younger, more immature, less honest-with-myself jaymi would definitely have to be open to such an observation. BUT, i have long since ditched the "deny it until it goes away" philosophy. i find that to be foolish and only leads down the dangerous path of taking on more than we can handle. if more people would be honest with themselves and their emotions, there would be less problems in the world. but our society has trained us to do one of two things.

the first thing we are taught is to just indulge. forget all propriety and do what feels good. they say that if you want it that bad and if it feels that good, how can it be wrong? i whole-heartedly disagree with this thinking because it is the most selfish, self-indulgent, self-centered way of thinking there is. and anytime we are completely selfish, we are not living in society and in community with others. we are completely useless and do not even deserve to remain on this planet.

the second thing is to completely ignore our emotions and feelings until they "go away". turn our feelings and emotions and passions completely off because they must be bad. i find this line of thinking to be absolutely absurd. seriously, if we were not meant to have feelings/emotions, in essence a soul, then we would have been created without one. the fact remains that we do have a soul and we should embrace that soul with all it's good and all it's bad.

so what's the solution? how do we live and function in society with others, contributing and communing, while still continuing to be full of joy & peace?

we face our emotions head on. be honest! admit your feelings! realize that they are there. if they should not be acted upon, walk through why it would be wrong, understand the consequences and realize that, even if the other person doesn't understand all the reasons, you may need to disconnect for a little while. there is much value to be had in times of reassessment. and our true friends will always be there, regardless. sometimes they need to walk through the valley with us and sometimes they can't.

of course, if you find no good reason why your emotions should not be acted upon, then don't hold back. embrace that emotion, with all of it's joy AND all of it's pain. some of the greatest lessons we learn in life are not in the joyous times but the painful ones. and if we are here to better ourselves everyday then i don't see why we should run and hide and fear pain and heartbreak/heartache so much. it may suck in the moment, but the lessons are learned for a lifetime.

well, i've already written more than i expected to. i shall leave you with the song/poem i referred to earlier in this blog.

never really

i’m in a room, and i see you there
i hear you sing, your words say you care
i catch your eye, you catch your breath
i feel your emotion, i know its depth
as if in a movie
you slowly walk to me
in the gaze that we share
it’s our souls that we bare
the words just escape,
“i love you still”
right there and then’s when
i feel the chill

the cold air wakes me as it fills up my space
i try to pull the covers over my face
desperately ignoring the truth that i dread
but i know i conjured it all in my head
it’s a harsh reality
as i am forced to see
you were never really there,
and you never really loved me

my tear-stained pillow will never look the same
i waited for the phone call but none ever came
so it’s back to my dream world, my happy place
where you’re my knight, i, your lady of grace
as if in a story
a bright blaze of glory
off my feet i am swept
off love’s cliff we have leapt
the words soon escape,
“i love you still”
right there and then’s when
i feel the chill

the cold air wakes me as it fills up my space
i try to pull the covers over my face
desperately ignoring the truth that i dread
but i know i conjured it all in my head
it’s a harsh reality
as i am forced to see
you were never really there,
and you never really loved me

last one standing...

ok! i must have gone temporarily insane last night. either that or all the talk about weddings and marriage around me lately have seeped into my subconscious and begun to make me do things i wouldn't normally do. what, you may ask, have i gone and done this time? well, not really sure what prompted it or even how i got there, but i started looking at, hold on, you sitting down for this? ok, i was looking at wedding dresses! *gasp*

for those of you that know me, you know that i am so not that girl. i am not charlotte from sex and the city. i mean, if i'm gonna be really honest, i guess there is a little tiny charlotte hiding deep down inside, very well hidden beneath multiple layers of carrie and a very slight touch of miranda sprinkled on the top.

what is so incredibly unbelievable is that i didn't sleep this ridiculousness off. i actually woke up this morning thinking about the design i want. then, later in the day, i actually drew sketches. and then, i actually spoke with one of my dearest friends all about the fabrics i want to eventually use and what can i use in the meantime to make a mock up of it.

i have seriously done lost my mind!

i do have at least some solitude in the fact that, more than likely, this has been prompted by some current events.

i mean, well, it's almost official. i say almost because there's no ring yet. but the fact remains. if things continue as they are right now, in a few months i will officially be the last one standing!

at least the last of my college friends. it's sort of like playing matrimonial musical chairs and someone turned the music off, everyone else grabbed a chair, and i must have missed the cue. cause i'm still standing.

granted, i haven't really seen a chair that i fancy enough to want to commit to. nor strong enough to hold me up when i do need to rest. nor comfortable enough to want to spend the rest of my life with. but i am certainly hoping that God has a back room somewhere where He's working on my chair. i mean, if i go peeking in other rooms, rooms where i know i don't belong, i see a few chairs laying around, just waiting for someone to fill them, but then i remember, those chairs weren't made for me. so i take a look around the room i'm in, the room i do belong in, hoping that maybe, just maybe, while my eyes & mind were elsewhere, God slipped my chair in. and sometimes i do see a nice, new, handsome chair. and i start to walk towards it, hoping this time i'll be able to sit down, be able to rest, but then, seemingly out of nowhere, some other girl races in and seats herself in the very chair i was eyeing. bollox! foiled again!

oh well, i think someone just turned the music back on. time to start marching around that circle again. someone, please, tell God to finish on that chair. my legs are really getting tired.

what's the name of that missy elliot song?

you know which one i'm talking about? something about flippin things in reverse? anyone have a clue out there? because i feel like, somewhere in the past 2-3 years, my social life went from, having a great time, doing "grown-adult" things, with my "grown-adult" friends, to, spending entirely too much time with people whose ages end in the word "teen".

don't get me wrong. i absolutely adore working with the teenagers at my church. and i am beyond elated that they can relate to me on certain levels. the problem isn't them. it's me!

let me give you an example. today we had a reunion party for those that went on the nyc missions trip a few weeks ago. church was done shortly after 12 but the party didn't begin until 2. the problem is, i live entirely too far from the church to go home and then attend a party. so, out of the goodness of her heart, one of this year's graduates offered me to come to her house and hang in the interim. i was cool with that cause i think, "well, i'll just chill with her parents." then it turned into, like 6 teens going to her house to hang out. which, i was still cool with.

we go to the house. and, as i had predetermined, i spend most of my time with the "adults" talking about things like home renovation, furniture buying, etc.

and i was cool with that. some of my favorite shows are trading spaces & while you were out.

the problem didn't occur until we arrived at the party. you see, when we got there, i had to fight the urge to spend time with my kids (the teenagers). i adore them and i want to be there for them and i never want them to think that they can't come to me for anything if they need to. BUT, there comes a time when an adult needs to relate to adults. and i'm absolutely certain this would have been easier if i had a little something in common with the adults. unfortunately, i felt like i was going in for root canal without having first received some novocaine. honestly, it was almost that bad. i guess the reason it was so torturous is because, i really have less in common with these "adults" than i do with my "kids".

first off, ALL of the adults there were married. ALL OF THEM! (okay there may have been one, count it-ONE, other adult there that is single but i think i've met her once and she and i didn't seem to have much in common.) most of them, if not all of them, have children, or they have one on the way, at least.

and then there's me. i work with the youth and i love it! i'm still single (with, sadly, slim to no prospects). and i'm basically halfway between the ages of the adults and the teens.

talk about your awkward positions.

anywho, the whole thing just kills me. why are all the people my age in freakin nashville, tennessee? ok, maybe not all of them. but it seems like all the peeps i relate to are down there. the few people i meet up here, well, it's like they just don't get it. i know God has called me to stay in this area for at least a little while longer. i just wish i had a few friends. dude, maybe even just one or two, that lived somewhat close by and liked the things i do, and were at least out of college, but weren't married with children, and had normal schedules and semi-normal jobs.

i mean, is that really too much to ask?

you tell me...

thank you for being my friend...

i know that i don't tell you often.

i'm sitting here in my home, typing on my computer, with john mayer on pbs, and i keep thinking how i really need to reply to all my wonderful and amazing friends' comments and emails and myspace messages and i have absolutely no motivation to do any of it. i don't even feel like blogging right now but i also know that if i don't continue to write and create and express, that the proverbial tool will become distastefully dull.

so, this is basically a pointless stream of consciousness type blog. so if you find yourself utterly, totally, and completely bored at any point, please stop reading and know that i absolutely forgive your lack of interest. it is wholly justifiable and appropriate.

well, if you are still reading at this point then, either you are a complete glutton for punishment,or i'm not nearly as boring as i think.

ok, so first off, i have to say, i was highly reluctant to turn john mayer on at all because, and i am about to quote the exact thought that went through my brain, i seriously thought, "i can't watch him right now because i'll end up falling in love with him by the time i'm done watching him. he's just that good." or so i thought. well, he's been on for a good 15 minutes now and, as charming as he is, as talented as he is, and as funny as he is, i am, at this moment, thoroughly unmoved. maybe it's the hoards of high school/college age girls that are in the audience hanging on his every movement and word and breath that turns me off. or maybe it's because he really isn't that cute, at least to me. or maybe it's because my father is on some sort of obscene moving rampage, trampling in and out of the room, carrying things from the garage to some unknown place in our house. and the distraction is beyond aggravating.

anyway, i am now no longer in that room, watching/listening to mr. mayer because my battery almost ran out of juice on my computer and i had left the power cord up in my room. i told you this was gonna get stupid. but, since you're sticking with me so far, i shall reward you with some "guy" news.

let's see. i could start with mr.cleaver but there isn't much to tell there. i could say that i think he's a moron and completely doesn't deserve someone like me but that would be mean. but, actually, i had a revelation today. i was reading an article someone wrote on brokenness and they were describing the difference between woundedness and brokenness. it was an excellent article. if you get a chance to, you can go here to read it --> http://www.crucibleinternational.org/resources/Article-Brokeness.pdf

the article was written by david bunker. i haven't the first idea who that is but his points were excellent. he described a wounded person as someone whom "life's dark side has dealt a blow to their souls that to date appears to have made them limp or hide, or be guarded."

my mr. cleaver is most definitely wounded. i guess that is why i have had compassion for him from the start. the problem started when my loneliness and desire for companionship overtook my sense and sensibilities. i was fine being friends with him, but once he started flirting, and i started entertaining the idea of romance, that is when the cookie crumbled. we all have our weak moments. and i have to say, when a guy is attentive but not overbearing, that is most definitely difficult for me. i despise being followed around. i have disdain for any man that bases his happiness on me. and if he has no goals of his own, no real life plan, then he can keep on walking. but when i come face to face with a man that has quite enough to do, quite enough women to choose from, and he chooses to spend his time "wooing" me. wow! that's when i lose it.

now, there are other guys. some with potential. some not. one guy in particular i'm going to name sonny. sonny is that guy that you really don't want to admit that you might be in to because every girl on the planet is just dying to get her claws into him. and quite honestly, i'm not sure if i'm actually attracted to him or if i just like the idea of trying to get him to "want" me. i know that sounds really player-like, and i'm usually never like that but, with this guy, i'd have to say, i'd almost feel justified. ok, maybe not. you see, sonny & i, we are way too similar. to the point that, most of the people that are around us almost want us to get together, just to see what would happen. it'd be a bit of a social experiment. one person said there'd be lots of sparks to which i retorted, it'd be like living in eternal purgatory. don't get me wrong, i don't think a relationship with sonny, per se, would be purgatorial, but a relationship with someone that is as stubborn, loathe to admit they are wrong, and in a constant state of "being right" as i am, could become quite wearisome.

anyway, it's not as if sonny and i are even remotely into each other but, there is some level of interest i think. at least there's a level of intrigue.

well, i'm tired so i'll have to finish this another time. till then...