killing me softly...

with his song.

i think i figured it out. really. this time i really think i did. i have always found myself crushing on boys in bands and, up to this point, i've been embarassed to admit it. i mean, seriously, some of the dudes i've been attracted to in this past, i have had to honestly ask myself, "if so and so wasn't an 'artist', would i even find myself giving him a second look?". and i have to say, i have been unable to answer that question with any real certainty.

that is until today.

let me rewind to last year. this will help explain the how, what and why of my final conclusions.

it was sometime in the earlier part of last year. i tripped over the web page of a particular artist. a friend of mine had recommended a particular band. that band recommended a few other bands, and that's how i tripped over this artist's page. i listened to a few songs online and noticed that this artist was coming to my area. i love checking out live music so i called a friend of mine and she and i went to the show. i'm really digging his sound and then the guy mentions that he lives in nashville. well! you just said the magic words buddy! so, immediately i start text messaging all my nash vegas friends, asking if any of them have heard of this guy. i get a few replies of little importance, and then a buddy of mine replies with, "he's one of my best friends!" i absolutely love irony! so, after the concert is over, i call my friend. he tells me a little more, including how his friend (the guy that was performing) is not only a great singer/songwriter, he's also a strong Christian man.

well, i mean, if i wasn't already hooked with his stage presence, amazing songs, 6'3"-ish height and great guitar playing skills, now i hear he's a man of strong character! hi! are you trying to kill a sistah?!

anyway, so my buddy on the phone asks if i'm still at the venue and if the "artist" is still there too. i tell him yes and yes. so my friend says, "walk up to him, hand him the phone and say, 'you won't regret this'". i tell my friend, no way, there's a huge line of girls waiting to speak to the guy and get his autograph and picture with him and i would prefer to leave the venue with all the hair i came with and my eyes unscratched. but, my buddy persists so i proceed to walk around the line of ladies, right up to the table, turn to the artist, reaching towards him with my phone in my hand and say, "he says you won't regret this". dude looks at me like i'm some type of nut job, hesitates for a hair of a split second but (and i can only assume that his curiousity got the best of him) took the phone. at first he couldn't hear our mutual friend on the line but as soon as he does he says, "dooood! what are you doing?!" then he looks at me and says, "jaymi, yeah, i think i know her (or 'you', i can't quite recall his exact words, i was still scared that i was about to be mauled by the line dwellers)" in typical jaymi fashion i look at the guy with a confused look on my face (which has a tendency to look more menacing and disapproving than like actual confusion, i'm still working on that) shake my head and reply, "i don't think so?" to which he replies, 'maybe not'. well, i eventually get my phone back, return to hang with my friend that i came to the concert with, and proceed to wait until the artist is done meeting and greeting all his 'fans'. i have a hard time turning down the chance to connect with another nashvillian. it's like an addiction for my soul. really, it is.

anyway, after chatting a bit about nashville and other little things, it's clear that i am definitely carrying this conversation. by that i mean, i didn't feel like he cared to connect. he was really sweet and nice but that's all, he was just sweet and nice. there was no kindredness, no kinsmanship, nothing! and the hardest part was that i really wanted there to be. i don't mean a romantic connection, i simply mean a soul connection, a kindred spirit thing and if romance came later, well, who am i to argue, right? but there was no reciprocity coming from his end.

while i hoped that maybe i misread the situation, and that i was going to get a phone call from our mutual friend, asking me if i'd be interested in getting to know "artist" better and if it'd be ok to give him my number, that call never came.

so, i decide to forget about him. i listened to his cd for quite awhile, but eventually i moved on.

fast forward to this past tuesday. my co-worker, whom, in the meantime, i had gotten hooked on "artist", informs me that he is performing here again on thursday (he had had one other gig around here between this one and the first one i attended, but, due to my church/worship obligations, i was unable to attend).

i couldn't quite decide whether to go or not but eventually found a friend who was interested. i wasn't sure how well this gig was going to go because the venue was much bigger, thereby making it much less intimate, and he wasn't the headliner this time.

although he did an excellent job, i must admit that i was spoiled by having seen him perform as the headliner at the smaller venue. he's so personable, and with excellent stage presence, part of his charm is wrapped in his ability to make you feel as though you're just sitting in his living room while he plays the guitar and sings a few of his favorite songs. while this is not completely lost in the bigger, louder venue, it certainly is significantly diminished.

my friend still really enjoyed him, a testament to his talent.

after his set, he is out at his merch table, signing autographs and shaking hands. i wait for a while. i usually don't want to have to compete with anyone else for the attention of these types of individuals, so i typically wait until the crowd has dissipated to almost nothing. unfortunately my friend was unaware of my intentions and so i was forced to say hi sooner than i would have chosen. i call out the artist's name, reach across the table and say, "i don't know if you remember me but i'm "so & so"'s friend. he shakes my hand, takes half of a split second and says, "oh yeah! how are you?!"

and that's about as far as the conversation went. we talked for approximately 10 seconds about our mutual friend but, as i mentioned, there were many other people around and he was, understandably distracted, focused upon meeting everyone that came to meet him.

in all honesty, i felt as though i was invisible. again, he was sweet, nice & polite, but that's just it, and that's all it was.

my friend and i left the concert at that point to go grab some grub. about half an hour into our visit at the cheesesteak joint we patroned, "artist" walks in with two other people. we acknowledge each other with a grin and a nod and then he proceeds to, quite demonstratively describe to these two, exactly how and what type of cheesesteak to order. i had to chuckle, it was cute in a really corny way. and i'm a sucker for the uncool. the guy that just isn't cool, he just, is. he may even think he's got a lock on 'cool', but really, he's no lenny kravitz. lenny kravitz, in my opinion, is the epitome of 'cool'. really, i mean, can you get any cooler than lenny?!

anyway, so "artist" and his two friends get their food and proceed upstairs to find seats up there. i'm mildly disappointed, but logically, there wasn't much room for them to eat downstairs, there's less of a chance of eating in peace if they remain downstairs, in plain sight, and seriously, why would anyone invite themselves to sit with someone they barely met once before, and her friend that he met only moments before? besides, my friend and i were in deep conversation, and, it would have been rude to interrupt. we were so deep in conversation that i actually didn't even notice "artist" walk by me to the stairs. in reality though, i was just so scared that he wasn't going to acknowledge me again that, in order to avoid that awful feeling of rejection, i simply avoided the situation by ensuring our eyes did not meet again.

my friend and i stuck around so long chatting and catching up that "artist" and his friends finished their food and left before us. on his way out he actually did tap my arm and told me to have a nice day (or good seeing me or something like that. i was so thrilled at the sensation of him brushing his fingers across my elbow that i don't think my brain was quite ready to process words yet - yeah! i really need to find a man...soon! ha ha ha).

anyway, i listened to his cd on the ride home that night, as well as the next day, but, i later discovered, this was a really bad idea. it eventually led to me realizing that "artist" really has shown no interest in me, to any degree, and that i almost feel invisible when i interact with him. this led to me exploring the fact that i really get no attention from guys my own age anymore, which led to the conclusion that i must be invisible to these guys. which, in turn, led to me bawling my eyes out on my ride home from work on friday. it was a hideous sight, i assure you. i'm a disaster when i sob. not that anyone looks desirable when they are crying in hysterics, but the way my body convulses, and my eyes redden, and my face puffs up, i mean really, it's quite repulsive.

still, i can't stop myself from admiring his songwriting skills. his words are precisely what i want to hear. whether it be a love song to a girl or a love song to God. he really speaks the truth in love. and that's when it hit me!

i like singer/songwriters! not band guys, not drummers, not lead guitarists, not bassists, not keyboardists and, most definitely not lead singers. singer/songwriters are my weakness!

i blame my father for this. seriously though, is it possible to have such an amazing dad that finding a man of equal caliber seems to be mission impossible? my dad's a singer/songwriter and i was always raised to have an appreciation for the songwriter. my dad is an excellent songwriter himself, and he has taught me how to be a great songwriter as well.

so, i can finally admit it. i like singer/songwriters and i'm not ashamed to admit it! any man that feels so compelled by the emotion moving within that he cannot help but give those feelings life through written word and melodic song, well, i'm sorry, i'm simply a sucker for such a man.

and that, my friends, is why i find myself attracted to so many "artists". and to answer the question, "would i give this guy a second look if he weren't in a band". well, the answer is yes and no. yes, because, if he has the soul/spirit of a singer/songwriter but not the recognition, well, it's who he is that i like, not what he is. and no because, if he isn't singing the songs he's written, then how am i know that he is such a man?

well, i'm sure, if you're even still reading at this point, you are quite bored with me. so, i'll close this out.

in the meantime, here's to hoping our mutual friend does call me about "artist". wouldn't that be sweet?!