am i funny? and i don't mean my looks!
so i've been catching random pieces of kathy griffin's show, "my life on the d-list" and just the other night i was watching a portion of her stand-up routine "kathy griffin is not...nicole kidman". this woman makes me want to jump up and down she's so freakin' funny.
ok, let me explain to you how much i love comedy and how much i love to laugh. seriously though, i love sports and i love music and i love really good comedy. i respond to comedy in the same way i respond to an amazing play in a baseball game, or to an exceptionally good piece of music. i cheer. sometimes i stand up, sometimes i clap, sometimes i yell, sometimes i just pump my fist in the air, but always, i cheer. laughter is truly medicine for the soul. i do believe that. which is why i try to find the comedy in everything, including my own life and drama. i call this blog, "my life as a dramedy" for that very reason. while my episodes are very real and intense to me, having journalized my thoughts and experiences enough over the past (almost 3) decades, i have learned that my life is just funny. it's not emmy winning comedy funny, but it's funny nonetheless.
we as women are funny. our reactions, our responses, our impulses, our everything, we're just funny. it's when we take everything so seriously that we begin to falter and stress out. now, i am, by no means, advocating that we sluff off our responsibilities and become blissfully ignorant of reality. no, i am actually saying that we need to take a few deep breaths now and then and occasionally those deep breaths should be induced by laughter.
like in everything, there's a balance to be had. we should constantly be aiming for that perfect balance and enjoy "the comedy" of the intermittent stooge-esque tumble. i have to admit, some of my heroines in life are those women that incite laughter throughout all of life's circumstances.
lucille ball was a prime example of this, and kathy griffin seems to continue to emulate that spirit. maybe it's in the red hair, or maybe it's something else. who knows? all i know is that i want to be that funny, that real, that entertaining, and that intelligent. and that's just in my every-day life.
i wish i had the chops to be a stand-up comedienne. maybe someday, maybe...
beaver one, beaver all, let's all do the beaver call
back when i was in college (many many many moons ago) a few of my friends taught me this song they learned at kamp kanakuk (sp?) out in branson, missouri. they would all go there every summer as kamp kounselers (misspelled on purpose). and apparently one of the kamp songs was this "beaver song". it is the most unattractive thing to perform on the planet and yet, strangely enough, i think that's all the more reason why i love it so much.
shortly after graduating college, i was working with some teenagers (most, if not all, were girls) on vbs stuff. for some unknown reason i felt inspired to teach them the "beaver song". the killer was, they loved it so much they ended up performing it in front of all the little vbs kids. there was no shame to be had by anyone! i'm telling you, this song is infectious! while, i'll share the words with you below, unfortunately you can never truly appreciate the beauty of the "beaver song" unless you see a live performance. so, next time you see me, tell me you want to see the "beaver song". i'll be more than happy to oblige! i promise! oh! and since i haven't the foggiest notion as to who wrote this masterpiece, if you have any information as to its authour, please share! i would love to give credit where credit is most definitely due! the beaver song beaver one, beaver all let's all do the beaver call fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph beaver two, beaver three let's all climb the beaver tree fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph beaver four, beaver five let's all do the beaver jive fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph beaver six, beaver seven let's all go to beaver heaven fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph beaver eight, beaver nine stop! it's beaver time fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph fhnph
nice boys don't kiss like that!
so, immediately after i posted the previous blog, fully admitting my interest in sonny, i received some, potentially disappointing news. i described the situation to my girl toya by asking her to envision those children in the malls with those "leashes" on them. i felt as though God had put me on an emotional leash and somewhere along the line yesterday, i outran that leash, at which point it promptly snapped me back and i fell flat on my arse!
first, i was made aware of, via the gossip train (a dangerous mode of transport, meant to be avoided at all costs, i realize, but when someone has information on a particular person that has caught my interest, i have a terribly difficult time not buying a ticket and jumping on at the next stop) of some things that had transpired between sonny and some former aquaintences of his. what freaked me out is that it sounded like a more intense version of some of my own perceptions of and experiences with him.
second, remember how i mentioned that he brought a girl with him to an event he and i had both attended? well, come to find out, this isn't the first time he's brought a girl to something. and what's worse is that it appears to be the same girl.
so! what does jaymi do?! she immediately starts to feel depressed and foolish? thoughts from, "how could i have been so stupid? clearly he was just being nice because he's new and is trying to make friends!", to, "wait a second! maybe he's just being nice because he wants something from me!", to, "omg! someone told him that i'm some sort of influential, big kahuna, and he's just being so nice because he has to, but really, he can't stand me!"
can you see me as i spiral out of control, all the way down the self-pity mountain? i tell you, it was sad! i was so angry, and hurt, and upset. i didn't even know what to say. i mean, how dare a man of God behave in such a deceptive dishonorable way! are you getting the picture of just how ridiculous my thought processes were becoming?
and honestly, this mental state did not change until i finally read something that flipped me out of my funk. i know you're curious to know what it was i read. it wasn't The Bible, it wasn't some great book, it wasn't some inspirational article. what was it? my own freakin words! seriously. it was from my blog post titled "i AM bridget jones!". what did i say? here, i'll re-post:
the point being, we as women so often give the wrong men the benefit of the doubt while challenging and questioning any and every word and action the good man makes. this is precisely what bridget does in the movie and i feel like my life is imitating her art.
now, this isn't to say that sonny is a good man but, the fact still remains, he has yet to prove otherwise. there is some value in the whole innocent-until-proven-guilty philosophy. i would like others to approach me in that way and take their direct experiences with me as the truth and not some random gossip from others.
the jury's still out on sonny. i haven't made a final decision yet. i just haven't been around him enough to make a truly informed decision. that time will be coming though, so i believe an answer shall find it's way to me sooner rather than later.
the comedy of it all is the symmetry i am consistently forced to face between sonny and mark darcy of the bridget jones diary movies. including just how stuffy and uptight they both can be.
so, i guess only time will tell what's behind his cheesy grins and overeager waves and enthusiastic hello's. is he just trying to get me to like him cause he needs friends and is new to our group? or, is he as awkward around me, as i am around him, due to an attraction, and therefore, he can't help himself?
i'll let ya know as soon as i know.
how did i fall in love with you?
ahhhh! alright! i give in! i admit it! i like sonny! are you happy now? =D
seriously though, i do not want to admit how into this guy i really am but, since i refuse to ignore my feelings and have decided to be 100% totally and completely honest with myself, then i have to be real. and real here is that i like sonny.
i know the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. so, here i am, admitting that i'm into sonny. the problem becomes, what do i do about it now? i'm not one of those girls that throws herself at a guy and excessively flirts with him. actually, i become quite junior high (no offense to my junior high friends out there but it's true) about the whole thing. i have a hard time looking him directly in the eyes for any extended period of time. i almost never initiate conversation with him and even when i see he's heading my direction, i instinctively avert my eyes. it's as if i can't allow him to know that i know he's there. what is that? am i that emotionally/socially retarded that when i find myself attracted to a guy, i have to automatically prove that i'm not? i'm an idiot!
now, i have some legit reasons for guarding my heart here. without getting into all the sordid details, i'll explain a few things that cause me to pause. first, the second time we ever met he literally brought me to sobbing tears. now, he doesn't know this, and in all fairness i should explain that prior to ever meeting him, a mutual friend of ours sort of planted some "he's totally your type" thoughts into my mind. this, unfortunately for him, put me on "alert" and for some juvenile reason, it was as if i was trying to find a reason to dislike him. also, i think i was having a feminine moment. his behavior was still in the running for "jerk of the day" award, but, it was by no means, "jerk of the century", "jerk of the year", or even "jerk of the week" worthy.
due to all these mitigating circumstances, i chose to give him another shot, as a person. and ever since, he has been the sweetest guy ever on the planet. he always greets me with this big cheesy grin and makes a point to say hi to me if he sees me.
second hesitancy reason is this - he brought a girl with him to an event we had both attended. our mutual friend assured me that the girl was not his girlfriend and that he probably just brought her so he would know someone. to which i replied, "then bring a guy!"
SO, i am completely unsure of his intentions. i can't tell if he's just being nice because he knows we have to work together or because he's new to our group and doesn't want to make enemies or if there's actually any interest on his side.
i'm still not entirely sure of what my intentions are. i know i find him ridiculously physically attractive. from his beautiful eyes, to his amazing grin (and no, i do not mean smile, i do mean grin), to his perfect height and build. it's obscene, how he is the epitome of everything i look for in a guy. even to the point that i most recently found out that he's quite funny, when he loosens up and isn't so uptight.
so, what's next? well, that really depends on him. i don't chase guys. never have, never will. i am friendly when i see him, unless of course he has a girl with him. ha! there's this one girl in our group that follows him around like a puppy dog. it's so nauseating! i can't be mad at him for it. but, if he's my kind of guy, then he'll cut that off the minute he realizes he's into me and that that type of thing just makes me want to run the other way. i do not tolerate dishonest men. and if guy is not into a girl but allows her to continue to throw herself at him, simply for an ego trip, then, in my opinon, the dude's distastefully dishonest.
well, i've waited this long. if this dude isn't for me, no biggie. time marches on and i'll keep movin' movin' movin'.
i ain't no harlem black girl
my best friend on the planet, marisol, told me a story recently about when she first saw gwen stefani perform her hit single "hollaback girl." apparently is was a live performance (possibly snl) and mari was having a difficult time deciphering what it was gwen was singing. she was quite disturbed because she could have sworn she heard gwen sayin, "i ain't no harlem black girl." ha ha ha ha =D when she told me that i laughed so hard!
i've decided that it's high time i help everyone out and develop an official "cast of characters". please note, i have given myself artistic license to change character names at any time, should a more suitable name present itself at a later date. well, on with the list.
my life as a dramedy
cast of characters (in no particular order)
sonny - the guy all the girls like. physically, he's everything i dig. spiritually, appears to be quite mature. some people think we may be too similar but most are interested in seeing what kind of sparks would fly. oh, and the best part, he's my age.
kermit (kermey) - huge former crush. occassionaly i find myself wondering if we'll ever cross paths. excellent artist/songwriter. i consider him my muse simply because he inspires me to write songs, even when he's not around. i almost changed his name to arthur but thought better of it.
daniel cleaver - the guy that shows a lot of interest when i'm in front of his face, or could potentially be near, but doesn't really put forth any effort. he's got a great personality, and is an excellent flirt (and rumor has it that he's a great kisser, although i couldn't confirm that through first hand knowledge). his spiritual maturity leaves a great deal to be desired. on my myspace blog, i did call him moe at one point.
shel - my "almost perfect, but not quite" guy, thus the name shel, in recognition of one of my favorite poets, shel silverstein, who wrote a poem called, "almost perfect". shel is an amazing man. he's very mature, only a few years younger than me, and deeply spiritual. unfortunately his spirituality is based upon beliefs that are vastly different from my own. therefore, he's "almost perfect, but not quite."
gilbert - gilbert and i are kindred spirits. we have the same visions, the same ideas, and, at times, we even know what the other is thinking. we're just not attracted to each other in that way. plus, even with all of his spiritual maturity, he's still outside of my self-imposed age limit. that limit is 23.
prof. baer - this is the guy i connect with on an intellectual level. while neither of us is interested in the other, i find it refreshing to be able to have conversation with someone who, quite possibly, could be smarter than i am. someone i know could hold their own if they were to meet my family, and wouldn't be intimidated by our intellect.
well, there are more, i am sure, but i'm tired and i need my beauty rest ;-D
