i AM bridget jones!

in honor of my friend that works for the marlins i have decided to post this blog in marlins teal.

i've been going through some weird stuff lately. it's kind of funny actually. just as i'm in the middle of all this insanity with my guy friend that i have just now decided to call "daniel cleaver", i get a ray of hope sent my way. if you've never seen "bridget jones" (1 or 2, doesn't matter either way), then you have severely been missing out on some great relationship/female comedy. daniel cleaver is the smooth talking cad of a man (played so absolutely well by mr. hugh grant) that bridget finds herself attracted to, even though she knows better.

if you haven't seen the movies i have to provide you with a *spoiler alert*.

anyway, it's quite interesting the way he completely plays her and how, despite her instincts and intuition, she finds herself giving him more chances than she should. you see, in the first movie, they actually do hook up but, he eventually shows his true colors and she finds herself in a relationship with the most amazing, mark darcy. in the second movie, when she and mr. darcy break up, daniel cleaver somehow finds his way back into her life. she absolutely knows better than to get involved with this man and fights him every step of the way. yet, he is so good at what he does and says that he eventually is able to convince her to "give him another shot". the parallels between the daniel cleaver of the movie and the daniel cleaver in my life are almost strikingly eerie.

for instance, cleaver says to jones, "i'm trying to be a better man so that next time a better woman comes along, i won't make a big zero of it". my guy tells me, "i used to be a player but i'm past all that now". cleaver says to jones, "what is this special power you hold over me?". my cleaver says to me, "i really enjoy talking to you and i really looked forward to seeing you. you have such a great personality and i just want to spend more time getting to know you". jones finally gives in to his smooth talking ways and is about to allow herself to get sucked into "daniel cleaver world" again when his lies are quite literally exposed by the interruption of a call-girl (for lack of a better term) at which point jones turns to cleaver and says, "you are looking for a weekend of shagging and i am looking for more". to which cleaver responds, "so am i". i, of course, said to my mr. cleaver, "i'm looking for something more than just a fun weekend with someone who might be interested in me. if i'm going to take an entire weekend out of my life to spend with someone, i would have to believe that there is some potential there." to which he replies, "do you want me to tell you that i like you, is that what you need to me say?"

*spoiler done*

the point being, we as women so often give the wrong men the benefit of the doubt while challenging and questioning any and every word and action the good man makes. this is precisely what bridget does in the movie and i feel like my life is imitating her art.

i mentioned at the beginning of my post a ray of hope. no, i do not have a mr.darcy but i do know some amazing people. one of those people is my friend that works for the marlins. he happened to call me tonight while he was at the marlins/braves game. we chatted for a little bit when at one point we realize that the game is on tv. so he tells me to turn the tv on and he's going to go downstairs behind home plate so that i can see him. so i went inside, told my dad to turn on tbs and then when my friend gets to where he's going we look to see if we can see him. the comedy was that something crazy happened at the plate so the camera ended up zooming in real close and i was actually able to see him standing there on the cell phone, talking to me! it was so much fun!

well, at least for me it was fun to see a friend i haven't seen in months.

thus the marlins teal. in honor and appreciation of my friend!

hopefully i can get my mind off of daniel cleaver and move on completely. i can't promise that i won't be deceived by such men ever again in my life but i am glad that, at least this time, with some help from my friends, i was able to recognize this playa for who he really is.

ain't nothin' like the real thing!

i need to share this because it's a lesson that God has been trying to drill into my head for y e a r s and that i have simply had the hardest time learning.

you see, now that i am 29 (read: almost 30!), i have this increasingly intense desire to be with someone, to be in a relationship with a guy, a man, that i love and by whom i am loved. i have always had this in me but more recently, as i get older, i am faced with the reality that, if i want to have children, i should probably get on that pretty soon.

anyway, on to the lesson. i have this guy friend that i care about deeply and am attracted to on a few different levels. he's an amazing person. he loves people and totally has the gift of encouragement. he makes me laugh, which is a huge thing for me, and he's really sweet.

we definitely have "chemistry" and there is a definite attraction from both of us. we talk about getting together and hanging out and just generally spending time together, getting to know each other better. for practicality purposes (namely his weird work schedule, and my living arrangements) we've discussed my driving to his hometown and spending the weekend there.

and, quite honestly, he makes it sound so appealing. "oh, it'd be totally chill and relaxed. you'd come up, you could come and go as you please. let me know a few weeks in advance so i can cancel all my other plans for the weekend and just be with you. and the few things i can't cancel i'll take you with me. if you don't want to go then you can totally walk around my neighborhood, there's tons to do". this is in addition to the fact that, the last time i was supposed to come hang out with him, apparently his mother knew. he told her that i was coming. why would he do that?

(to ease the minds of my "younger" readers i want to clarify that all things would have remained very respectable, no hanky panky , and no morals would have been compromised. i have not compromised my character thus far, and there is nothing on this planet that would make me change now )

when i was on the phone with him, it was just so comfortable. we've only seen each other 3 times, all in group settings, and we've barely spoken by phone but, somehow, we just connect. i even love to hear the sound of his voice. there's just something sweet and soothing and sincere in his voice.

well, after much inner struggling and outer discussion i have come to realize what is going on. i want a relationship. he is offering me a "relationship", but it's the wrong kind. it's a psuedo-relationship. one that isn't, to quote the discovery kids channel, "really really real". we can act like we're involved but not "say" we are. have all the perks of a boyfriend/girlfriend thing but none of the responsibilities. everything about what he was proposing sounded very much like something a dating couple would do, but, in order not to freak either of us out, it's all presented in a real non-chalant, "let's just take it as it comes", sort of way. and boy does that sound appealing.

the problem is, i've been down that road before and it leads to nothing but heartache for everyone. i've been with the guy that adores me and makes me feel good about myself and would do anything for me but whom, deep down inside, in my spirit, i know, even though he is a Christian, i am not spiritually compatible with.

this time though, this time it is going to be different. i refuse to accept what is false. i haven't yet figured out exactly how i'm going to end something that, for all intent and purposes, hasn't even really begun, but i do know that the first step is to end the possiblities in my heart and mind. i will not be able to convincingly communicate something until i truly believe in it myself.

so, here's to lessons finally being learned and, hopefully, the fortitude to actually follow through this time!