how did i fall in love with you?

ahhhh! alright! i give in! i admit it! i like sonny! are you happy now? =D

seriously though, i do not want to admit how into this guy i really am but, since i refuse to ignore my feelings and have decided to be 100% totally and completely honest with myself, then i have to be real. and real here is that i like sonny.

i know the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. so, here i am, admitting that i'm into sonny. the problem becomes, what do i do about it now? i'm not one of those girls that throws herself at a guy and excessively flirts with him. actually, i become quite junior high (no offense to my junior high friends out there but it's true) about the whole thing. i have a hard time looking him directly in the eyes for any extended period of time. i almost never initiate conversation with him and even when i see he's heading my direction, i instinctively avert my eyes. it's as if i can't allow him to know that i know he's there. what is that? am i that emotionally/socially retarded that when i find myself attracted to a guy, i have to automatically prove that i'm not? i'm an idiot!

now, i have some legit reasons for guarding my heart here. without getting into all the sordid details, i'll explain a few things that cause me to pause. first, the second time we ever met he literally brought me to sobbing tears. now, he doesn't know this, and in all fairness i should explain that prior to ever meeting him, a mutual friend of ours sort of planted some "he's totally your type" thoughts into my mind. this, unfortunately for him, put me on "alert" and for some juvenile reason, it was as if i was trying to find a reason to dislike him. also, i think i was having a feminine moment. his behavior was still in the running for "jerk of the day" award, but, it was by no means, "jerk of the century", "jerk of the year", or even "jerk of the week" worthy.

due to all these mitigating circumstances, i chose to give him another shot, as a person. and ever since, he has been the sweetest guy ever on the planet. he always greets me with this big cheesy grin and makes a point to say hi to me if he sees me.

second hesitancy reason is this - he brought a girl with him to an event we had both attended. our mutual friend assured me that the girl was not his girlfriend and that he probably just brought her so he would know someone. to which i replied, "then bring a guy!"

SO, i am completely unsure of his intentions. i can't tell if he's just being nice because he knows we have to work together or because he's new to our group and doesn't want to make enemies or if there's actually any interest on his side.

i'm still not entirely sure of what my intentions are. i know i find him ridiculously physically attractive. from his beautiful eyes, to his amazing grin (and no, i do not mean smile, i do mean grin), to his perfect height and build. it's obscene, how he is the epitome of everything i look for in a guy. even to the point that i most recently found out that he's quite funny, when he loosens up and isn't so uptight.

so, what's next? well, that really depends on him. i don't chase guys. never have, never will. i am friendly when i see him, unless of course he has a girl with him. ha! there's this one girl in our group that follows him around like a puppy dog. it's so nauseating! i can't be mad at him for it. but, if he's my kind of guy, then he'll cut that off the minute he realizes he's into me and that that type of thing just makes me want to run the other way. i do not tolerate dishonest men. and if guy is not into a girl but allows her to continue to throw herself at him, simply for an ego trip, then, in my opinon, the dude's distastefully dishonest.

well, i've waited this long. if this dude isn't for me, no biggie. time marches on and i'll keep movin' movin' movin'.