thank you for being my friend...

i know that i don't tell you often.

i'm sitting here in my home, typing on my computer, with john mayer on pbs, and i keep thinking how i really need to reply to all my wonderful and amazing friends' comments and emails and myspace messages and i have absolutely no motivation to do any of it. i don't even feel like blogging right now but i also know that if i don't continue to write and create and express, that the proverbial tool will become distastefully dull.

so, this is basically a pointless stream of consciousness type blog. so if you find yourself utterly, totally, and completely bored at any point, please stop reading and know that i absolutely forgive your lack of interest. it is wholly justifiable and appropriate.

well, if you are still reading at this point then, either you are a complete glutton for punishment,or i'm not nearly as boring as i think.

ok, so first off, i have to say, i was highly reluctant to turn john mayer on at all because, and i am about to quote the exact thought that went through my brain, i seriously thought, "i can't watch him right now because i'll end up falling in love with him by the time i'm done watching him. he's just that good." or so i thought. well, he's been on for a good 15 minutes now and, as charming as he is, as talented as he is, and as funny as he is, i am, at this moment, thoroughly unmoved. maybe it's the hoards of high school/college age girls that are in the audience hanging on his every movement and word and breath that turns me off. or maybe it's because he really isn't that cute, at least to me. or maybe it's because my father is on some sort of obscene moving rampage, trampling in and out of the room, carrying things from the garage to some unknown place in our house. and the distraction is beyond aggravating.

anyway, i am now no longer in that room, watching/listening to mr. mayer because my battery almost ran out of juice on my computer and i had left the power cord up in my room. i told you this was gonna get stupid. but, since you're sticking with me so far, i shall reward you with some "guy" news.

let's see. i could start with mr.cleaver but there isn't much to tell there. i could say that i think he's a moron and completely doesn't deserve someone like me but that would be mean. but, actually, i had a revelation today. i was reading an article someone wrote on brokenness and they were describing the difference between woundedness and brokenness. it was an excellent article. if you get a chance to, you can go here to read it --> http://www.crucibleinternational.org/resources/Article-Brokeness.pdf

the article was written by david bunker. i haven't the first idea who that is but his points were excellent. he described a wounded person as someone whom "life's dark side has dealt a blow to their souls that to date appears to have made them limp or hide, or be guarded."

my mr. cleaver is most definitely wounded. i guess that is why i have had compassion for him from the start. the problem started when my loneliness and desire for companionship overtook my sense and sensibilities. i was fine being friends with him, but once he started flirting, and i started entertaining the idea of romance, that is when the cookie crumbled. we all have our weak moments. and i have to say, when a guy is attentive but not overbearing, that is most definitely difficult for me. i despise being followed around. i have disdain for any man that bases his happiness on me. and if he has no goals of his own, no real life plan, then he can keep on walking. but when i come face to face with a man that has quite enough to do, quite enough women to choose from, and he chooses to spend his time "wooing" me. wow! that's when i lose it.

now, there are other guys. some with potential. some not. one guy in particular i'm going to name sonny. sonny is that guy that you really don't want to admit that you might be in to because every girl on the planet is just dying to get her claws into him. and quite honestly, i'm not sure if i'm actually attracted to him or if i just like the idea of trying to get him to "want" me. i know that sounds really player-like, and i'm usually never like that but, with this guy, i'd have to say, i'd almost feel justified. ok, maybe not. you see, sonny & i, we are way too similar. to the point that, most of the people that are around us almost want us to get together, just to see what would happen. it'd be a bit of a social experiment. one person said there'd be lots of sparks to which i retorted, it'd be like living in eternal purgatory. don't get me wrong, i don't think a relationship with sonny, per se, would be purgatorial, but a relationship with someone that is as stubborn, loathe to admit they are wrong, and in a constant state of "being right" as i am, could become quite wearisome.

anyway, it's not as if sonny and i are even remotely into each other but, there is some level of interest i think. at least there's a level of intrigue.

well, i'm tired so i'll have to finish this another time. till then...