ain't nothin' like the real thing!

i need to share this because it's a lesson that God has been trying to drill into my head for y e a r s and that i have simply had the hardest time learning.

you see, now that i am 29 (read: almost 30!), i have this increasingly intense desire to be with someone, to be in a relationship with a guy, a man, that i love and by whom i am loved. i have always had this in me but more recently, as i get older, i am faced with the reality that, if i want to have children, i should probably get on that pretty soon.

anyway, on to the lesson. i have this guy friend that i care about deeply and am attracted to on a few different levels. he's an amazing person. he loves people and totally has the gift of encouragement. he makes me laugh, which is a huge thing for me, and he's really sweet.

we definitely have "chemistry" and there is a definite attraction from both of us. we talk about getting together and hanging out and just generally spending time together, getting to know each other better. for practicality purposes (namely his weird work schedule, and my living arrangements) we've discussed my driving to his hometown and spending the weekend there.

and, quite honestly, he makes it sound so appealing. "oh, it'd be totally chill and relaxed. you'd come up, you could come and go as you please. let me know a few weeks in advance so i can cancel all my other plans for the weekend and just be with you. and the few things i can't cancel i'll take you with me. if you don't want to go then you can totally walk around my neighborhood, there's tons to do". this is in addition to the fact that, the last time i was supposed to come hang out with him, apparently his mother knew. he told her that i was coming. why would he do that?

(to ease the minds of my "younger" readers i want to clarify that all things would have remained very respectable, no hanky panky , and no morals would have been compromised. i have not compromised my character thus far, and there is nothing on this planet that would make me change now )

when i was on the phone with him, it was just so comfortable. we've only seen each other 3 times, all in group settings, and we've barely spoken by phone but, somehow, we just connect. i even love to hear the sound of his voice. there's just something sweet and soothing and sincere in his voice.

well, after much inner struggling and outer discussion i have come to realize what is going on. i want a relationship. he is offering me a "relationship", but it's the wrong kind. it's a psuedo-relationship. one that isn't, to quote the discovery kids channel, "really really real". we can act like we're involved but not "say" we are. have all the perks of a boyfriend/girlfriend thing but none of the responsibilities. everything about what he was proposing sounded very much like something a dating couple would do, but, in order not to freak either of us out, it's all presented in a real non-chalant, "let's just take it as it comes", sort of way. and boy does that sound appealing.

the problem is, i've been down that road before and it leads to nothing but heartache for everyone. i've been with the guy that adores me and makes me feel good about myself and would do anything for me but whom, deep down inside, in my spirit, i know, even though he is a Christian, i am not spiritually compatible with.

this time though, this time it is going to be different. i refuse to accept what is false. i haven't yet figured out exactly how i'm going to end something that, for all intent and purposes, hasn't even really begun, but i do know that the first step is to end the possiblities in my heart and mind. i will not be able to convincingly communicate something until i truly believe in it myself.

so, here's to lessons finally being learned and, hopefully, the fortitude to actually follow through this time!